Doctor status: fat

Did I tell you how my parents over-feed my cat? If they have him for a couple of days, he usually comes back with a new chin. This time, he was with them for a few weeks, and, as a result, now resembles a small beer keg. It's amazing I can see his legs at all. I think he also gets in-between-meal snacks if Mum and Dad are feeling anxious or upset. And they were, so... hence my now-enormous cat. Anyone got any diet tips? I tried putting his food on high surfaces so he had to do some exercise to reach it, but then he fell off the top of the stereo and I felt bad. And then I gave him extra food. Ruby: the enabler.

I'm back, by the way. This is no longer Dad. (Thank you, father, for alarming my guests with your presence.) Where was I? For those of you who saw something about the Empire in the paper, no further explanation will be necessary. For those of you who did not, let's just say work became all-consuming for a while. But it's over now.

Well, it's not entirely over. I don't know how to explain it. I'm trying to put the pieces together but some things still don't want to fit. Anise said I look different. I checked in the mirror: not really. The difference to me is all internal. But I think I'm getting better. I feel better.

I feel better.

I do.

Guest jack-booting

Charles here (Ruby's dad).

Firstly, two notes to my daughter:

1. If you don't want your parents to find your blog, don't use your real name to set it up.
2. Also don't set your password to 'password'. (Don't worry, I've changed it now.)

Secondly, to the rest of you: apologies for temporarily co-opting this page. Ruby can't come to the compter right now. (Ruby also doesn't seem to be able to come to the phone, or to her senses for that matter.) She's been away on some work-related camp whatsit. From what I saw at the Expo, she's possibly learning how to whistle to trees or stick beads onto coloured pieces of paper.

So I'm throwing my search out to those of you reading this page: has anyone heard anything about the Jaasmyn Empire? I'm particularly looking for information regarding dubious practices, dodgy taxes, brain-washing, employee coercion, etc., though at this point I'll probably take whatever I can get. Hated a candle box? Got a paper cut from a pamphlet? Let me know.

By the way, I'd just like to clear up two scurrilous mentions of me in earlier posts by my erratic offspring:

* I did send a girl a photo of my arse once (which may or may not have had a message written on it), but it was completely justified.

* When women wear puffy-sleeved tops, they look like they're either compensating for having scrawny arms or trying to recreate their slave-hood status from the Victorian era. You don't look wistful or interesting, you look deranged. I stand by this opinion, regardless of how often my wife tells me puffy tops are "in". I'm assuming they'll be "out" again shortly.

More lecturing to come, Ruby predicts. We'll see.

Tea for one

Sorry for the silence; I'm working longer hours than I thought I would be. The Doctor and I are kind of having a stand-off as a result. He's taken to lying across the hallway in the dark so I trip over him when I get home. Then I feed him extra food because I feel bad about stepping on him. Then, after he's stuffed himself, he ignores me for the rest of the evening. He'll give out eventually; the need to have his ears scratched usually outweighs his sulks by about the 48-hour mark.

It's not that the extra work isn't rewarding. I'm seeing parts of the Empire I never knew existed. Yesterday I got to sit in on a new class for people who are afraid of round shapes. A surprising number of people seem to be affected. It would totally suck if they worked in a kindergarten.

The Empire's also been giving me new teas to test at home so I can give them in-house feedback. My kitchen bench is covered in growing numbers of packets. Every time Mum sees them, she makes a little "Huh!" noise and rubs her ear. (She may have some kind of rash; I'll ask her about it later.) Anyway, I tried a new tea last night - Sienna Siesta - but I don't think I can tell the Empire anything useful because I lost consciousness half-way through the first cup. Perhaps I wasn't concentrating hard enough; I'll try again tonight.

On the down side, there's someone I'm trying to avoid at work. I don't like having to do it, but I don't have a choice; every time she sees me, she starts asking questions. And I'm not supposed to answer questions to lower-level staff. (Did I tell you about the staff levels? There are five. I'm Three. She's One. You can see the predicament.) Actually, I think she's kind of jealous of how quickly I've progressed. The head of the Empire (I'll call her 'J') and I were in the Intra-Conscious Reading Room the other day -- well, J was behind a screen and I was behind my supervisor who was behind four Level Fives but you know what I mean -- and she said that jealousy was one of the most corrosive emotions the human mind could create, and we should always take care to avoid it. I'm sure J has spent her whole life ignoring people who thought she was too beautiful. She does seem to be very good at tuning negativity out.

Right. Off to have a second go at Sienna Siesta. Fingers crossed I get better results this time.

So much vanilla, so little time

My parents are trying to set me up. OK - the current romantic situation is looking kind of dire (and confusing) but I do not need to have potential suitors paraded in front of me like I'm shopping for the right size. Particularly when they're Josh. Oh, Joooooosh. Let me tell you about Josh. Josh has no personality. Josh makes cardboard seem lively. Josh is often mistaken for his own wax figure. If you set Josh on fire, I can guarantee you would hear very little from him in protest; he would simply go about fire-extinguishing himself, and then resume beaming at you silently like a snowman that refuses to melt. For Christ's sake, Ma and Pa, if you're going to humiliate your daughter socially, at least do it with someone with whom she can have a lively argument at some point.

I forgot to mention that the Doctor has returned, in disgrace. I promised him I wouldn't mention what he smelt like when we were reunited. But even Josh would have slightly wrinkled his nose in response.

Angels, demons, and other handicrafts.

'Skank' is a word I don't like very much. It always holds a hint of envy. Look at her with her crappy hair extensions and her cheap shoes and her skirt hiked up to there and her dimple-less thighs and creamy skin can you imagine how much she spends on facials I bet she earns it at her local pole-dancing emporium and would you believe they keep drooling because she's just so obvious my god would you look at it. Boys who use the term usually can't get The Sex. Girls who use it splinter the sisterhood. (The sisterhood still exists, right?) So I refuse to use the word 'skank'. But I will say this: Bessie is a scrag.

On a happier note, I think the weekend's Expo managed to convince my parents that the Empire isn't as weird as they thought. Who could fail to look normal next to:

• the people who believe that if you sit under a pyramid, it changes your DNA;
• the guys claiming that we're all part of an inter-galactic experiment and are actually human-alien hybrids;
• the institution selling a Vitamin C supplement that can apparently cure schizophrenia;
• the woman who says rocks feel pain and don't like being trodden on; or
• the pamphlet I got which swears that you only get cancer if you're a cranky-pants?

Next to these guys, the Empire's aromatherapy stuff looks like common sense. And don't get me started on the unicorn craft. (Though I did buy my dad a tea-towel just because it spelt it 'unicron'.)

Missing: one cat.

This is probably not going to get me anywhere but has anyone seen an orange/white/mottled cat, very fluffy, huge tail, answers to 'the Doctor'? He's wearing a collar...I think. No. Yes. Yes, he is, but I can't remember the colour because it's usually covered by rolls of fur. Favourite food: herring, though yoghurt and Vegemite also rate. He also tends to look permanently surprised/outraged. So if you're a fishmonger and there's a matching cat outside, complaining loudly, please please please let me know.

Is it good to be told you have an "affinity with wax"?

I've had my new job for just over a week, and I still don't really know what it is. I was going to tell you about the departments I've seen ("visited" is probably the wrong word; I stumbled into one and broke some things in another) but I've been going through the confidentiality section of the employees' handbook (so huge it's a wrist injury waiting to happen) and it looks like I can barely even tell you where I work, let alone spill inside information. Crap. I'll have to be super-vague. I'll just call it the Empire.

The Empire deals in new age-y stuff. They sell candles and oils, hold classes for people who suffer things (don't ask; I'm still not sure), and the most beautiful woman I have ever, ever seen runs it. Seriously. She has no pores. I bet she bathes in... what's the most luxurious thing you can bathe in? Truffles. She bathes in a mix of truffles, caviar, lobster, wagyu beef, and angels' tears. Then she's rinsed with a fire hose to get the stink off.

Anyway. The Empire staff are really nice, albeit kind of spacey. Well, almost everyone; the assistant to the Most Beautiful Woman Ever is a freak. Hopefully I'll never have to work with her. Another girl started on the same day as me (we did the aptitude tests together and, boy, do I wish I could post about those because they'd make your hair curl, but hello confidentiality clause) but she doesn't seem to be doing very well. At least I don't think so. It's kind of hard to tell. On the plus side, the Empire seems to think I have a talent for their ...whatchamacallit. On the down side, I've got a sneaking suspicion that I've just been lucky and any moment now they'll realise that employing me was a mistake.

Having a talent would be pretty good, though. I don't think I have any. (None that I'll admit to in public, anyway.) Can't cook. Can't sing. Can't play an instrument, because I don't think the recorder counts. Can't knit. Can't perform complicated mathematical equations. It's a litany of failure. However, I can read people fairly well. It may come in handy.

Cupid's fatal flaws

Less cranky now. Bad dates tend to do that to me. Particularly bad dates that looked as if they were going to be good dates and then... stuff happened. I'm not going to dwell on it. However, it's made me wonder - what isn't a good enough reason to break up with someone?

Bernard is my ideal partner, except for his:

* collection of Two and a Half Men DVDs.
* slight tendency to spit on the footpath.
* frequent use of the word "panties".
* Nazi sympathies.

But what do you do if it's not so obvious? Last year I turned down a dinner with a guy who had a really high-pitched giggle. I couldn't help it; every time he laughed, I imagined his testicles to be the size of Tic-Tacs.

Anise, from the corner chair, would like me to add that she once ended a relationship because the guy refused to try Malaysian food. I shall quote directly: "It denoted a degree of pointless inflexibility, which would probably end up extending to other areas in his life." I assume she's referring to The Sex. Yes, says Anise. "Duh," she adds.

However. If your paramour (who is a sweetie in every other way and super cute and has really nice hands and a sense of humour that makes you snort-laugh) basically implies that you're working for scammers and are possibly too dim to realise it, what then? My current method of coping is avoiding his calls. Call me a coward. I don't mind.

OK, I do mind. But it's either this or One of Those Conversations. And I'm really bad at Those Conversations.

Supercrank

I will not blog when I'm cross. I should not blog when I'm cross. I will really, really, really try not to blog when I'm cross. However, I'm cross right now and I can't calm down and I'm hoping typing will help somehow because TV, cat-squeezing, and three glasses of wine that I really shouldn't have had have not.

TV, in particular, is useless. SBS is showing yet another documentary on Hitler. Do they have ANY OTHER DOCUMENTARIES? Because every time I switch over it's either Hitler or Obscure Sex Movie. Hitler! Sex! Hitler! Sex! Tour de France! Hitler! CHRIST ALMIGHTY, DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANYTHING ELSE IN THE ARCHIVES?

See? Don't blog when you're cross.

And I've just realised I've been using 'blog' as a verb. Kill me now.

I will try again tomorrow. My mood will be better. Off to have a soothing cup of tea, nicked from New Job.

Weirdest week ever.

The guy I met is cuter than I remember, thank God. We had dinner last night; I was terrified I wouldn't recognise him as the last time I saw him was filtered through about a litre of vodka martini at Ani's birthday party. As opposed to beer goggles, which make you think that everyone else is more attractive than they actually are, vodka goggles make you think that you are more attractive than you actually are. I'm not sure which is worse. ("What do you mean, you won't let me into your tiny, exclusive club? Can't you see how astoundingly good-looking I am?" "Ma'am, you're wearing a garbage bag." "Shut up! You suck!")

Anyway, rather than relive how I ruined an intimate part of the evening by being momentarily overcome by Bad Previous Relationship Memories (great timing, as usual), I'll move to a related topic: What's the worst way you can dump someone? By SMS is pretty bad, though I think it's so common now that it's become part of life. E.g.:

Five years ago
"He dumped me in a text message."
"What? He what? In a text? On your phone, right? How dare he? How could he? What kind of evil person does this? Let's burn his house down!"

Now
"He dumped me in a text message."
"What a bastard. You're better off without him. Hey, have you met my friend Sergio?"

Anise was once dumped by a guy who left a note for her at the cafe. With Jonathan, of all people. You can imagine how that went down. (At least it wasn't with Bessie; she may never have received the message. Awkward phone calls would have resulted.) I don't think anyone has dumped Siobhan; they're usually lifeless husks after a few hours in her company. No one would have the strength to thumb the keypad. Dad said once that he sent a girl a photo of his bare arse with a message scribbled across the cheeks, but that's just Dad. He probably actually did it in person. And me? Well, once I tried to cushion the blow for a guy by listing all of his great qualities. Boy, did that backfire; when I finally got to the point and dumped him, he was completely shocked because I'd spent about half an hour puffing him up. Nice work, Ruby.

And then there was that other nameless person who dumped me at my own birthday party without actually being there but let's not visit that unhappy moment. The scars haven't healed; I still cringe at the sight of birthday cake candles.

In better news, I have a new job! It may or may not have something to do with the class I went to. Keep it under your hat for now, though; I'm not sure how it's going to work out because it seems really, really, really weird.

More later, I promise.

Irony is mocking me.

I should probably explain that a bit better by summing up recent events. In seventy-two hours, I've managed to:

• quit my job;
• have my fortune (sorry, "fortune") told at Ani's birthday party;
• meet someone, although I can barely remember what he looks like;
• attend my first meditation class;
• get kicked out of my first meditation class; and
• be diagnosed with a disorder I've never heard of.

This afternoon I'm supposed to be going to a class for people with said disorder. Apparently we're sensitive to noise, which is interesting as someone who spent most of her uni degree drowning out the world via her iPod. I'm still debating whether or not to turn up.

Re: the job thing, I was hoping to break the news to my parents gently -- preferably by ringing them in several months' time to tell them I had a different work number -- but by the time I saw them on Saturday, they already knew about it. (Thank you, Siobhan. Remind me to poison your coffee.)

To cheer myself up about the money that's not in my bank account, I'm making a list of all the reasons why I'm happy not to be working for K#nobbe (take that, Google search!) & Sons any more, which will either by posted later or ceremoniously burnt.

Off to class. (Or not.) Wish me luck.

p.s. Siobhan is even scarier when dressed like a clown.
p.p.s. Fortune tellers are a crock.
p.p.p.s. Possibly so is meditation.

Sorry about that. I spent several days in a haze of green. Doctor Sweetpants was of no help. (That's my cat, by the way.) Seriously, every time I hear one of those feel-good "pets know when you're ill!" stories, I feel like sending a letter bomb. Other people's pets summon a neighbour/ambulance, snuggle beside them, or even just look sympathetic, for Christ's sake. My devoted cat sat on my head. On. My. Head.

[It would probably be worth noting at this point that anyone hoping to see an entry written under the guise of said pet will be disappointed. People who write to others while pretending to be their cat/dog/wombat ("Dear Grandma - today I caught my first mouse! I ated the whole thing, and then threw up. Mummy was ever so cross, but that's OK, because I pooped in her shoes to give her something else to worry about. Kisses!") are WEIRD. Besides, if the Doctor could type, we all know what he'd write:

Feed me. Feed me. Feed me. Feed me. Have you fed me yet? Yes? How about a bit more? Are you sure? What if I lie on my back and wave at you? Come on! You know it takes me a good minute or so to roll over. Feed me. FEED ME, YOU EVIL WOMAN.]

I wonder if I can squeeze in another sick day. What are they going to do, fire me?

Ow.

Hung over. It hurts to type. Going back to bed.

[Note to self: absinthe cocktails = bad idea, even for a birthday.]

The secret blog of Ruby White

I am banking on the fact that my parents will never find this website. Dad would insist on guest blogging. Things I Will Be Lecturing You On In The Near Future, by Charles White, covering such scintillating topics as:

• Why Tea Is A Drink, Not A Meal;


• Why Do Women Insist On Wearing Those Puffy Sleeved Tops At The Moment (You All Look Ridiculous); and


• Why Engineering Students Should Not Be Left Unsupervised At Any Time.

Fascinating. I can hear the reader numbers dropping from here. Anise, in fact, is the only person who knows about this blog, and she has promised to keep it a secret from her staff (especially Jonathan), as well as her scary sister Siobhan, upon pain of death*. Anise also doesn't have a computer, so there goes her chance to post sarcastic comments. "I prefer my sarcasm to be made in person," she is now saying from the corner chair. Touché. So there we have it: as long as nobody we know finds this page, we'll be good to go.

Must run and buy Ani a birthday cocktail, although her actual birthday isn't for a week or so. Rumour has it that the abandoned butcher's shop next to the florist on Hurt Street turns into a club after sun-down on Sundays. Will let you know how we get on.

*Read: being made to watch You've Got Mail again.