Monday, October 31, 2011

I'm still not dead

...though this job is making me wish I were.

I also wish I had a better explanation for my silence lately, but, really what was I going to write about?  My typical day?  Well, why not?  This is what happened today.  Hold on to your frickin' hat.

7.00          Alarm goes off.  Hit Snooze.
7.07          Alarm goes off.  Hit Snooze again.
7.14          Alarm goes off.  Pray for death.
7.15-8      Death not forthcoming. Drag self around house, prolonging the inevitable.

8.01         Mad scramble for keys, bag, bus pass, gun, book.
8.15-8.50 Daydream about bus crashing on way to work.
8.55         Attempt to sneak past security guard, who has taken to calling me 'Red'.
9-12        Avoid Baz.  Stretch out transcribing board minutes by pretending the recorder isn't working.  Ransack stationery cupboard looking for paperclips/batteries/anything that can keep me in there for more than five minutes.  Return to desk under sufferance.  Watch clock surreptitiously.  Snack.    
12-12.30  Sprint to botanic gardens.  Hide under shrubbery.  Inhale lunch.  Devour another chapter of scandalous celebrity biography.
12.35      Drag self back to office. Along the way, ask passers-by if they have work going.
12.45-5   Avoid Baz.  Avoid Roger.  Ignore memos from Di regarding the ban on instant soup in the office kitchen.  ("SOMEBODY is still making Cup O Noodle, DESPITE strict instructions."  Blah bliddy blah.)  Make tiny sculptures out of erasers and push-pins.  Snack.  Practice typing for next/better/less suicide-tempting job.  Nod for solid ten minutes while smelly bike courier bangs on about his weekend.  Resist Googling murder techniques in case internet access is monitored.  (What do I mean 'in case'?  Ho ho!)  Snack.

5.01       Undignified sprint for elevator.
5.03       Return to desk to retrieve bag.
5.05       Second undignified sprint for elevator.
5.30       Unlock front door.  Move The Doctor aside with one foot while shedding clothes.

5.32       First wine of six.

And there you have it.  Fun, huh? 

And I've got even better news: Siobhan's getting married.  (Anise is still in shock.  As is most of the free world.) 

Guess who's going to be a bridesmaid?